So this is my little site that I am going to try my hardest to maintain, probably not on a daily basis, but atleast weekly. I'm not even sure who is going to read this, but this is basically my outlet for.. everything. My way to get things out in the open. I think this way is better because all you can do is read what I have to say and not tell me that I'm making the wrong decision. So with that said here's my first post......................................................... Enjoy.
November 1, 2007
Two days ago my heart was broken. Again. I just don't understand why I have been put through this heartbreak so many times. It hurts. My heart hurts. And I honestly don't know what am I going to do. Everyone around me has told me to leave Matthew. They tell me that I don't deserve this. And I don't, I know that much. But here's my problem. The thought of just walking away, saying screw you and never being with him again, makes me sick to my stomach. And it makes my heart hurt even more than it already does. The thought of starting over, learning to trust him again and being happy with him, well that makes my heart happy. That makes me happy. Spending the rest of my life with Matthew would make me the happiest person in the world. It really would. But I don't want to have to worry about him cheating on me again. They say that you can't change a guy, but what if, deep down, he really is a good guy. What if he really is that wonderful guy that I love with all my heart. I know he's not perfect and that's okay. But I also know that there is a possibility that his unfaithfulness could be a reflection of his true self. And that scares me. I just don't know what to do. How do I know if I can believe him when he says that he will be faithful and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and only me? How do I know if I can trust that he is just not saying these things because he doesn't want anyone else to have me? How do I know that this won't happen again? I'm hurting more than he or anyone else will ever know. I have so many thoughts and feelings running through me and I'm just not sure what do do or think. This is going to be the hardest decision of my life thus far. Hopefully I make the right one....
